we are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed–always carrying about in the body the dying of the lord jesus, that the life of jesus also may be manifested in our body (2 corinthians 4:8-10).
last night i dreamt that stupid boy from earlier this year and i were still talking, still friends. i didn’t remember it right away when i woke. i’ve had dreams like this before. not about stupid boy, but about other people i’d like to call friends who weren’t actually friends. some of them are people i’ve known since i was ten. some of them have looked me in the eyes and said they loved me. yeah, i can see that you do. one of the dreams upset me so much upon remembering it that i curled up in my bed, on my side and cried. i’d been up for five minutes, max.
dreams like this leave me feeling hungover.
my inability to be punctual is supremely close to getting me unemployed, as if i can afford that. okay. fine. i am supremely close to getting me unemployed.
my fat ass is supremely close to weighing a hundred-fifty pounds, which i know doesn’t sound so bad, except my scrawny, tissue-filled bones and screwed-up ligaments can’t handle that weight very well.
i am alone and lonely.
and angry. i’m angry today. and most of this anger is directed toward myself.
i think of all the others out there whose lives are far more challenging than mine. i’ve friends who are in severe physical pain. i’ve friends who are dying. i’ve friends who have family members who are dying. there are children out there who don’t believe in the goodness of christmas. there are children out there who don’t believe they’ll get a warm meal. there are children out there who are being beaten or worse. babies. there are…
this doesn’t make me feel any better. it only makes me angrier, actually. angry because then i tell myself i’ve no right to feel the way i do.
here is where i close my eyes and take a deep breath.
let me love…