so there are some two dozen oscar categories. one that is typically the biggest disappointment to me is original song. not because of who wins but because the nominees are generally pathetic. sometimes it’s like asking me to pick between two bowls of utterly contemptible food: snot-and-squash souffle or pissed-on pureed peas. other times it’s like choosing between a plain and dry hamburger from mcdonald’s and a whiskey river barbecue burger from red robin.
the oscars: original song
in eighty-three, the award could’ve gone to one of two works sung by barbra streisand in the film yentl, but instead the prize went to flashdance… what a feeling. i’m sorry. what???
the next year, i just called to say i love you from the woman in red won. okay. that’s a pretty song. but then there’s against all odds from the film by the same name, and that song still manages to give me chills.
the year after that… say you, say me. that one’s pretty, too. but separate lives is so much better.
take my breath away from top gun won in eighty-six. but maybe that one should’ve gone to somewhere out there from an american tail or glory of love from the karate kid, part two. but really, i’m not in love with any of those.
two thousand one. if i didn’t have you from monsters, inc. no. that one should’ve gone to may it be from lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring.
and before you come at me with yes, but this is from the gal who was pissed off that lotr didn’t get three best picture oscars. i can be unbiased, yall. two thousand three. into the west from return of the king won that year. it absolutely should NOT have done so. you will be my ain true love from cold mountain should have.
four. al otro lado del rio from the motorcyle diaries over learn to be lonely from phantom of the opera.
which brings me to the first of many years in which i LOATHE. EVERY. SINGLE. NOMINEE.
five. it’s hard out there for a pimp from hustle and flow; in the deep from crash; travelin thru from transamerica. of all the films released that year, the academy felt that only three contained music worthy of an oscar, and THESE ARE THE SONGS? what the fuck. the next year, again the nominees are from three films, and three of those songs are in the same film. i need to wake up from an inconvenient truth won, when the award should’ve gone to listen from dreamgirls. the next year’s another of only three nominees, two of which are from the same film; jai ho from slumdog millionaire won.
ten. we belong together from toy story three. i prefer coming home from country strong.
eleven. man or muppet from the muppets beat the only other nominee, real in rio from rio. they both suck.
twelve. skyfall from the film by the same name won. everybody needs a best friend from ted should have.
thirteen. let it go from frozen won. happy from despicable me two should have.
fifteen. writing’s on the wall from spectre won. that award should’ve gone to ’til it happens to you from the hunting ground.
this year, the nominees are: audition (the fools who dream) and city of stars from la la land; can’t stop the feeling from trolls; how far i’ll go from moana; and the empty chair from jim: the james foley story. i’m guessing one from la la land will take the prize, but i don’t much care who wins.
the best instances in which the academy got it right: streets of philadelphia from philadelphia; my heart will go on from titanic; lose yourself from eight mile.