Silver Linings

Funny how catastrophes can illuminate the past to make it seem glorious. How they can demand action. I was bitching a while back about how life is my problem, how I struggle with loving it and wanting it.

And then some folks in China decide to eat exotic meat that carries a deadly virus, their government covers it up for weeks if not months, and now here we are… the wheels of the world are slowly grinding to a halt. I wasn’t worried about this. I had more pressing matters with which to concern myself.

And then, today, I learned that after this week, I will not be working for a while. I’m not being laid off or let go… we’re just not going to be conducting business for a time.

So I’ve spent my afternoon canceling services I’ve not used in sometime that I’ve been meaning to cancel, but their monthly charges were so slight I’ve not bothered with it. Shaving my vehicular insurance’s policy and my cellular plan to the bones. Registering for a smaller storage unit–one that’s two-thirds the size of that I currently use and costs half as much. Requesting a forbearance for my student loans. Acquiring less expensive health insurance.

I spent most of my afternoon going through the boxes that have, for the most part, been untouched for fifteen years. I purged, and will continue to do so over the course of the next week.

It’s like God’s forcing my hand. Like He’s reminding me that my life wasn’t as shitty as I thought.

I keep thinking I’ve found the bottom, and then CHAOS erupts, and I learn a new kind of misery.

So… hours at the store room today. I pitched four or five garbage bags filled with crap I’d once thought I should keep… or that I’d get around to pitching eventually… some other day.

CRAP, yall. Like cheap promotional materials–pens, magnets, KOOZIES. I don’t freaking USE koozies, but for some reason, I’d saved them.

But I got to look at things I’ve loved, too. Like Pottery Barn’s Moss Green Sausalito stoneware. That green! SO vibrant and, simultaneously, soothing.

After those hours… I had a meltdown in the parking lot because I couldn’t put the trash in the dumpster on the premises because it’s reserved for management. One more inconvenience. One more pain in my ass. I loaded my two-door coupe with four yard bags and four boxes filled with trash and lugged it across town to dump in the bin belonging to the company where I work. My father, my finances, my so-called friends… my faith. All these things are crippling me.

I will be better for all this in the long run. I know it. Oh, but I don’t feel like running right now.

Still… the vision of a tidier life does please me.

Published
Categorized as grief

3 comments

  1. Life has gotten harder all of a sudden — but that should give us perspective. We should be more grateful when things aren't so hard, although it's human nature to take comfort for granted. Hardships in my life have taught me to appreciate calm, smooth times. Good luck for the next few weeks.

  2. This is interesting in light of what's happening today. Twelve years ago, in your second blog-post, you wrote: "i wanna be a recluse. it's easier. it has to be easier. can't i just stay holed up in my house? why do i have to see people?" Now that you (and all of us) got your wish, how do you feel about it?

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