so on october sixth, i wrote this post. and for the six months since, i’ve been dreading that follow up appointment. it was a week ago monday. it was one of the worst well woman exams i’ve ever had, actually. had the student nurse practitioner not been there, it would’ve been fine. the woman who’d examined me previously was there again this time, supervising. and yeah, i was anxious. i’m always anxious in clinics, especially in situations like this, but then… what woman isn’t? but i was more anxious than normal because… this was the third exam i’d had in eighteen months, and the last two hadn’t been so awesome.
i was anxious. i wasn’t crazy about having a student practitioner doing the exam. it didn’t help that it was a guy. i was managing it, though. until crunch time. and there, when gentleness matter most… he had all the finesse of king kong. and then he had the audacity to say something about how i’d scooted back. i’d scooted back, jackass because you were stabbing then gouging my insides. and of course, i cried. i hate crying in front of others. it rarely happens, but when it does, i’m mortified that i couldn’t keep the waterworks from working until i was alone.
the woman took over… did her thing… effortlessly. painlessly. graciously.
and then on friday, she called to say everything’s negative.
i was lounging in bed, debating whether i should get up, get moving. it was pretty cozy… and then my mobile, and then those words. that one in particular…
N E G A T I V E
ever since, my brain’s subconsciously been replaying that line of bianca piper’s (portrayed by mae whitman in the duff). OVER and OVER and OVER again. if you’ve noticed, i hardly ever put gifs on picky. because really, the repetition of the thing annoys me, but… yall. I. AM. A. FREE. WOMAN.
i’ve been thinking of that line of scripture used in francine rivers’ redeeming love…
you are all fair, my love; there is no flaw in you. song of solomon 4:7 (p. 305).
i haven’t felt all fair. i haven’t felt flawless. prior to last friday, neither of those words would i use to describe me. but since that phone call, i have been hearing that bit of scripture in my head on a constant basis.
and yall… this experience i have… this drama that’s played out for me over the course of two years… it’s nothing compared to what others face. N O T H I N G.
i spent a good bit of my day thanking god, praying to him. because i am free to FINALLY close this horrific chapter in my life. i’m done with it. i’m ready to write the next one.
there are way too many in this world that won’t have that luxury. there are way too many women in this world who die because of the callousness and carelessness of their partners. i’ve spent two years reliving all those moments when i ignored the flags, when i ignored my gut, being angry with myself for giving up and giving in, for having gotten myself in this mess. i was out of it in two years. some will never be out of it. countless are dead now because of it.
today i came across this article
on facebook. the whole time i read it, i was picturing the events. could see the chaos and the panic and the violence. could hear it. and the men, these attackers, the douchebag i’d been dating… his mental state where women are concerned, it’s not so very different from those who’d victimized the author in that article.
i got off easy, all things considered. i’ve been praying again throughout the day. for that woman, for those in similar situations, and yeah, for myself.
so pray with me, will you? that more women get to love that word negative. that they can have mae whitman’s voice floating around in their subconsciousnesses: i am a free woman. or maybe belinda carlisle singing i feel free…