god wants me to know that i can only give away what i already have inside myself. true giving happens when i am overflowing from the inside and cannot help but share, when there is so much love within me that it has to flow to others or i would burst open. there is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. it just flows out. if i have to force myself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, i’ve missed the first step of filling in myself with these emotions.
once upon a time there was a verizon kiosk at the top of the escalator at the talbot’s entrance of the mall. this is where i would go to pay my bills and fix the glitches of my cellular. i’d kind of become decent acquaintances with two of the men who worked there.
one of those men and i would discuss, quite frequently, the different ways in which men and women handle relationship complications. more often than not, the things he would share with me about how men think wouldn’t be that much of a shock. for example, guys think that having sex fixes everything. no. really?
we’d been talking about a woman’s fix. i’ve mentioned it before, i think. if i’ve had a bad day or i’m not feeling well, the best remedy is to be held. women like that sort of thing.
which he knew, and he shrugged it off.
so i explained it a little better.
sometimes, my emotions become so intense, so overpowering, that i’m more aware of them than i am my physical presence. it’s as though they numb every physical sensation i might have, so i can’t feel anything but that emotion. and being held reminds me that however big that emotion might be, it’s not bigger than me.
he got this awed look on his face. and then he said, wow. that’s deep.
i hadn’t planned on writing anything today. well, i never plan on writing anything, to be honest. but i’d told myself i’m not blogging today. i’ve done a lot of blogging lately, and it kind of wears me out, this thinking, so i try not to do it so often. plus, i was feeling like i’d been a little too serious lately.
but today, i logged onto facebook, and i saw that one of my friends had done this thing — i’m not really sure what to call it…it’s not a quiz, because it doesn’t ask any questions…it’s more like opening a fortune cookie. i was interested, so i clicked a link and then another, and i got my fortune.
but, i’m pretty sure god knew i knew this already.
generosity and compassion, even kindness sometimes, these are not aspects of my character that require improvement.
but then, maybe that’s the point. maybe i’m supposed to make the level of kindness i offer as strong as generosity and compassion.
. . .
this was where it was going to stop, and in so doing, this particular blog, i think, would’ve been a little lighter, but…then came this:
oh. i forgot. i took some quizzie a while back that said i came across as restrained. i remember thinking it a laughable result at the time. but i’ve thought about it fairly frequently since then…
my management team thinks i need to work harder on masking my personal thoughts and feelings and focusing on the work at hand. like the moment i walk in the door, all the personal shit should be left outside.
what they don’t understand is i do a pretty impressive job of masking it already. i do.
i remember being twenty minutes late to work once because i’d had a really nasty bout with wrath an hour before i was supposed to be there. i scared the crap out of myself. that’s how ugly it was. me and wrath, we go round pretty regularly, and it’s never, never pleasant. but this time…this time, i laid in bed, raging, and there was this part of me that felt like i was floating above and looking down on my rabid self, and that part of me cried. quiet, slow, slippery tears. it took some time to recover.
so…i can only give away what i have within myself…
generosity, compassion, a decent amount of kindness, sadness, anxiety, fear…wrath.
today had been a pretty okay day.