bah humbug

weeks ago — before thanksgiving — i bought a tiny christmas tree for my room. it stayed in the bag in my trunk until tonight. i was in heb getting a plant as a housewarming gift for a dude i’d been talking to for a couple of weeks — i’d chosen not to get a poinsettia because those are so temporary, so i bought him ivy instead. ivy that clings and smothers — how fitting. two days after i gave him the plant, he said he’d enjoyed getting to know me and talking with me but he felt there wasn’t a connection. i remember giving him that plant. i remember that i sat on the stoop of the east shore condominium he’d purchased waiting for him, i’d thought, to get back from a home depot run. i’d sat there for an hour with my clingy, smothering plant, waiting for him to text me back. there was some sort of a glitch. so i left the plant on his doorstep and went home, and when i was in our driveway, i finally got a response from him — wondering if i still wanted to come over and help him unpack. so we went to flower child for dinner, and it was bland. and then we went back to his place where i helped him unpack his dishes and cram a dishwasher. and i was thinking, this feels odd, and i need an excuse to leave, and not long after that my brother called me because he needed me to go get his loosed dog, and so i left. and two days later, i got that text — not connecting. so be it. i gave you a plant. i watched you pick it up off the stoop after i’d said, that’s from me. i watched you marvel at it. and then the next day, i had that other jerk for whom i’d driven to elgin tell me that i’d not dressed sexily enough. yall, i’m tired. i’ve had two adult beverages — all the liquor that goes in a mudslide sans ice cream… chased one after another. i’m inebriated. in front of my family — that hardly ever happens. i was wrapping gifts tonight, and for the first time in my life, i didn’t give a shit about how well they were wrapped. i didn’t give a shit about christmas, and i’m too inebriated off six ounces of liquor to give a damn. i hate this. this isn’t me.

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Categorized as grief

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