but could i ever look at adam and see a greek god? shit, i don’t think i’ll think about that one just at the moment. i think i’ll just pour myself another glass of wine and wait for the doorbell.
when it eventually rings i walk very slowly to the front door, and after i open it i see it isn’t this terrible thing on the doorstep. it’s adam, my old, reliable adam …
he gives me a hug, and suddenly he feels different. it’s not just adam anymore. it’s a man, a man i could be having a relationship with, and i move my hand slightly on his back, just checking, just feeling what there is underneath, what his body might feel like.
‘can i get you a drink?’ i feel ridiculous, like a hostess inviting a stranger into her home, and yet the easy intimacy we’ve always shared seems to have disappeared, and adam feels much like a stranger …
he looks down at his glass and then back at me. ‘i’ve missed you.’
‘i know. i’ve missed you, too.’ i have. desperately. all the times those stupid little things, or funny little things have happened at work, i’ve picked up the phone to call adam, to make him laugh, and just as i’ve picked up the receiver, i’ve remembered, and it’s been awful …
‘why am i here, tash?’ he’s not looking at me as he says this, and my heart goes out to him. he looks like a little boy, scared, unsure, and i just want to put my arms around him and cuddle his fears away. but do i want to make love with him? let’s not think about that just yet.
‘this has been the most impossible three weeks of my life, ad. jesus, this was harder than the run up to my bloody degree, so firstly i want to say thank you for causing all this misery.’
he smiles, and i think he senses it’s all going to be okay.
‘i love you, ad. you know that. i’m not in love with you, but maybe it could work. i don’t know, but i suppose there’s only one way to find out, so i guess,’ i pause, not quite knowing how to say it, ‘i guess the answer to your question is yes.’
‘what was the question?’ he’s smiling broadly now, all the nervousness disappeared.
‘i don’t know, but yes, i’d like to give it a go.’
‘give what a go?’ he’s teasing me now because he can see i’m still a bit awkward.
‘give us a go.’ there. i said it. the dreaded us, and you know what? it doesn’t sound nearly as bad once it’s out there. in fact it sounds quite nice …
i know the kiss is coming. the kiss is coming. shit, the kiss is nearly upon us. what am i going to do? but when adam bends his head down he’s still smiling, and he very slowly kisses me on the lips then sits back, smiling some more, and just looks at me.
‘how was that?’
‘okay,’ i’m nodding my head. ‘it was really okay.’
and he bends his head again, and we kiss again, for longer this time, but no tongues, all right? then he sits back and looks at me some more.
‘are you sure about this?’ he asks.
‘nope. i’m not sure at all, but we can do it again just to find out?’
this time he kisses me for a lot longer … and i think, jesus where in the hell did adam learn to be so good at this? … and you know what? it’s bloody nice, this is.